Funny Jokes (Over 18's only)

Very un-PC but that did make me chuckle.

A funeral service is held for a woman. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years, and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger – £2.99.

Cheeseburger – £3.99.

Chicken Sandwich – £4.99.

Hand Jobs – £19.99.

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” The bartender blushes slightly and says “Yes, I am” with a sexy little smile. The biker grins and says “Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger.”

I don't understand the joke. LOL

Who wouldn't want a hand crafted cheeseburger with the works?

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are, very slowly?"

She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

A novelty song ... Don't Pet The Dog ...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=21JeM_jDtDo

A nursing assistant, a floor nurse, and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry.

“I am Gina the Great,” stated the lady. “I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!”

With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit, and bottles of wine, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.

The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first.

“I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit, and tending to my every need.”

With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.

The floor nurse went next.

“I wish I were rich and retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort, with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts.”

With a puff of smoke, she, too, was gone.

“Now, what is the last wish?” asked the lady.

The charge nurse said, “I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break.”

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame-seed bagel, with chive cream cheese; stops off at Starbucks, and picks me up a mocha latte; and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.”

“I know,” says the second owner.

“How do you know?” the first demands.

“My dog told me.”

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar.
Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy.
"He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again.
He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar.
The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

Jim and Lena were driving around the countryside when they ran over a skunk.
"We better take the skunk to the vet, Lena.
Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm."
"But, Jim, what about the smell?"
"Don't worry, Lena. The skunk will get used to it."

A bloke goes into a watchmakers and sees this bird behind the counter. He checks her out for a while and then goes up to the counter, unzips his trousers and slams his prick on the counter.

"Oh my word sir, we only deal with watches", she said.

He then said "Well put 2 hands on that then!"

You don't say! 😀

Why did the woman leave her husband after he spent all their money on a penis enlarger?

She just couldn’t take it any longer.