Funny Jokes (Over 18's only)

A man walks into a pet shop..


He'd like to buy a pet for his lonely, widowed mother. The shop owner shows him all of the usual stuff,
hamsters, puppies, kittens, etc. and the man tells the owner that he's looking for something unique.

The owner takes him to the back of the shop and introduces him to raggedy looking parrot named Chet.

The man, rightfully so, is unimpressed with the parrot until the shop owner tells him that the bird
sings Christmas carols. The owner explains that all the man has to do is hold a flame under the bird's
right wing and he'll sing "Silent Night" or under the left wing and he'll sing "O' Holy Night". The
owner proceeds with a demonstration and the man, very impressed, takes the bird home.

When the man gets home he has to show his family what he has brought home so he gathers them all around the bird.
He holds a candle under the bird's right wing and the bird sings a beautiful rendition of "Silent Night". Then the
man holds the candle under the bird's left wing and the bird sings "O' Holy Night". The man's son asks his father
what happens if you hold the candle under the bird's tail, and not knowing what might happen the man moves the
candle under the bird's tail. The bird gets a concerned look on his face and starts singing "Chet's nuts roasting
on an open fire..."

What should you do if you come across a tiger in the desert?


Apologize and wipe it off.

What's the definition of noise?

2 skeletons having it off in a biscuit tin.

Tis the season to....inflict cracker jokes on your family, and give us a rest from them.

My dad went to the doctor when he discovered lettuce leaves growing out of his backside. After doing many tests, the doctor told him he had quite a number of other worrying things going on, and the lettuce leaves were just the tip of the iceberg...

Hahahaha brilliant mate!

My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her!


I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside.

The line "That's not my dog," sprung immediately to mind.

Three Christian boys live in a church. One day the boys say, "Pastor! Pastor! We have done no bad deed."

The pastor replies, "Very good. Now each of you are granted one bad deed."

One boy comes back and says, "Pastor! Pastor! I broke a car window."

The pastor tells him, "Go to the back, pray, and drink some holy water."

The second boy comes back saying, "Pastor! Pastor! I punched a woman in the face."

The pastor replies, "Go to the back, pray, and drink some holy water."

The third boy comes in and says, "Pastor! Pastor! I peed in the holy water!"

It's probably just my weird thought processes, but it reminded me of this kind of format to a joke:

Hahahaha that's a good one!

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes.

After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery.

It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!"

Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room.

By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?

It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.

So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Easyjet," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Easyjet?" exclaimed the hairdresser..

"That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place.

Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.

"You and a million other people trying to see him.

He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.

You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.

The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman,

"not only were we on time in one of Easyjet's brand new planes,

but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.

The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.

They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

“Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder,

and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!

I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who the hell did your hair?"