Funny Jokes (Over 18's only)

One day in class the teacher asks the students to tell a story that has a lesson.

Suzie puts her hand up and tells a story about the time she was at the beach and jumped into the water and cut her leg badly on a jagged rock she didn't see. She said the lesson of the story was to look before you leap.

Next Pete told a story about how he went with his dad to a junkyard and they found a bike someone had thrown out. Pete and his dad brought it home and cleaned it up so Pete could ride it and it was his favourite thing in the whole world. The lesson of the story was that one person's trash is another person's treasure.

They went around the room until they got to Little Johnny. He told a story about how his grandpa was a soldier in World War II. One time his grandpa found himself all alone and out numbered. All he had was a grenade, his rifle, 20 bullets, a bottle of whisky and his bayonet. He was facing 30 enemy soldiers.

He took a swig of whisky, pulled the pin and threw the grenade, taking out 5 enemy soldiers. He took another hefty swig and picked up his rifle and shot 20 more. Out of ammunition, he fixed his bayonet, drained the last of the whisky and charged the remaining soldiers. In bloody hand-to-hand fighting he managed to kill them all.

The class grew silent as he finished his story. The teacher said "That's incredible Johnny. What is the lesson to that?"

Johnny said, "The lesson from that is you don't want to fuck with my grandpa when he's been drinking!"

What is the opposite of a croissant?


A happy uncle.

There was an old man from Henna,

Who would do any old trick for a tenner,

The part of the trick,

Was to stand on his prick,

And tighten his balls with a spanner!

I suspected it might have been staged as well. A common assault is against the law whoever you are and whatever situation you are in. Where was the security? Would somebody really be allowed to walk up to a person on the stage unchallenged? What if he'd had a gun?

He walked on stage unchallenged because it was Will Smith at the Oscars.

Q: How many group members does it take to change a light bulb ?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn with the words added, “I’m just here for the comments.”)

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs

44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.

12 to post F.

8 to ask what F means.

7 to post 'Following' but there's 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to.

3 to say "can't share"

2 to reply "can't share from a closed group"

36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

1 idiot to use the word ‘pond’ randomly and start a whole other argument.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

Why would they challenge Will Smith? It's an awards show. No one could have anticipated that's what he was about to do. I don't think it was fake. I think Smith is trying to be hard because he's insecure about the wholesome, safe Urkel persona he created for himself.

@lord Fickle, your lightbulb (That's how I spell it.) joke reminded me of an old fav' joke of mine a comedian told live in front of a cancer support group:

"How many cancer patients does it take to change a lightbulb? Ten. One to change the lightbulb and nine to exclaim, "Awww, you're SO inspirational!"


(My sister's a cancer survivor. She found the joke hysterical.)

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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

Lol. Gotta love a Dad joke!