Funny Jokes (Over 18's only)

LOL. Quality, Steve. It reminds me of the old Les Dawson classic: Every year, my mother-in-law comes to our house for Christmas, but this year we're doing something different - we're going to let her in the house.

Officer: How did you run over 50 people?

The Man: Let me ask you this: if you were driving, and your car wouldn't stop, and there are two people on your left and 50 people on your right, which way would you turn?

Officer: Obviously to the left.

The Man: That's exactly what I did.

Officer: Then how the HELL did you kill 50 people?

The Man: Well officer, I turned left and hit one of the the two people, and the other ran across the street, so I followed him.

Two lawyers walk into a pub. They order a couple of drinks, take their sandwiches out of their briefcases, and then they begin to eat them.

Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, “Excuse me, but you can't eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The two lawyers look at each other, shrug their shoulders, then exchange sandwiches.

I walked into the dentist's and whispered, “I think I’m a moth.”

The dentist replied, “I don't think you should be here. You need to see a psychiatrist.”

I continued, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.”

Puzzled, he asked, “What are you doing here then?”

I said, “The light was on.”

My psychiatrist asked me if anyone else in my family suffered from mental illness.

I answered, "No, they all seem to enjoy it".

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

“I work with animals,” the man says to his date.

“That’s so sweet,” she replies. “I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?”

“I’m a butcher,” he says.

Lawyer: “Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.”

Judge: “And what is the nature of the new evidence?”

Lawyer: “Judge, I discovered that my client still has £500 left.”

A burglar broke into a house one night...


Post deleted:
this joke only appeared on the previous page (15) just 3 months ago - and you liked it too Steve.


Reply #424 posted Mar 15, 2022 at 1:54pm Steve likes this

This is fucking hilarious! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Lol! Silly me. I suppose a good joke is allowed to slip the net. I can't check them all!

A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done." The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish. The man and woman immediately jump behind the bushes and screaming sounds and laughter can be heard from their activities. 12 minutes later they return to the front of the bush again claiming they are finished.

"Well now, that was kinda quick!" the genie says. "You can do it a second time for the remaining 3 minutes if you want," the genie tells them, winking his eye.

Both the female and male look at each other and smile. The man says to the woman, "Okay great, but this time you get to hold the pigeon so I can shit on him!"

Q: Why did the Catholic priest go to Walmart?

A: Because he heard that boys' pants were half off.

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent.

"That’s great," says the actor, what is it?"

"Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner"

"That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent.

"I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?"

"Wednesday" says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition.
He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar".

"Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening."

The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar."

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard.

"Who the hell are you?" asks the guard.

"I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar.""

"If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!"

So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl.

"I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar.""

"If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on."

He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager.

"I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar.""

"You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up."

He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full.

Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts...

"WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT?"