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Post by angusscrimm on Sept 4, 2022 14:52:50 GMT
Was flicking through the TV listings and found something I was really looking forward to - a new BBC documentary about gay marriage!
Imagine how hugely disappointed I was when it turned out to be a load of old shite about islands, rocks and beaches.
Apparently "The Hebrides" is a place in Scotland, and is pronounced entirely differently to how I read it....
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Post by angusscrimm on Sept 9, 2022 18:38:35 GMT
So Louis Capaldi has Tourette's?
Just couldn't keep it to himself, could he?
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Post by waywardgenius on Sept 28, 2022 16:28:44 GMT
A woman was quite ill, so she went to her doctor. The doctor referred her to hospital so she could be checked by specialists, but they still couldn't ascertain exactly what was wrong with her. In the end, one specialist spoke with the woman's husband and said, "We've managed to narrow it down, but we're still not sure whether she has Alzheimer's or AIDS."
The husband asked what should be done next. The specialist said, "Take her about 25 miles from home, and leave her in the middle of a forest. If she manages to find her way home, for God's sake don't fuck her."
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Post by ThomasQuinn on Oct 2, 2022 10:01:25 GMT
One night, a nun is walking through a shady part of town. On a sidewalk, by a lamp post, she sees a working girl. As she passes her, she recognizes her as a former schoolgirl at the Catholic school where the nun taught.
"Mary? Is that you my dear"
"Yes, sister."
"Why, Mary, what ever became of you?"
"I'm a prostitute now, sister."
"What's that you say now?"
"I said, I'm a PROSTITUTE, sister."
"Oh heavens, I'm so glad. For a moment there, I thought you said protestant".
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Steve
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Post by Steve on Oct 2, 2022 13:07:26 GMT
I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I’d like a bag.
I said “no, I’ll just turn the lights off.”
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Post by angusscrimm on Oct 2, 2022 14:37:16 GMT
On a trip to the US many years ago, I pulled a really good looking girl at a bar. She was well up for it, and so I went to a local pharmacy for some condoms. The price tag said $1.99 but when I got to the cashier, she said $2.19. When I questioned the price, she said it was for the tax.
"I thought they stayed on by themselves" was my reply.
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Post by waywardgenius on Nov 12, 2022 10:44:24 GMT
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
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Post by waywardgenius on Nov 12, 2022 10:45:57 GMT
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."
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Post by waywardgenius on Nov 26, 2022 14:12:22 GMT
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
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Post by waywardgenius on Nov 26, 2022 14:25:25 GMT
There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right-handed and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left-handed, and wins the round.
This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round, golfing either left- or right-handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.
They said, "George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf either right-handed or left-handed, and always win. What is up with that?"
George replies, "Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left-handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right-handed."
"Well," one of the employees questioned, "what happens if she is laying on her back?"
George replies, "Then I'll be 10 minutes late."
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Post by waywardgenius on Dec 6, 2022 14:31:05 GMT
On the first day of school, a teacher tells her students that she is a Rangers fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are a Rangers fan, too. Everyone in the class raised their hand except one little girl. The little girl said, "I am a Celtic fan."
The teacher asked why she is a Celtic fan. She responded by saying, "My mum and dad are Celtic fans." "Well," said the teacher, "what if your mum and dad are idiots? Then what would you be?" The little girl smiled and said, "Then I'd be a Rangers fan."
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Post by waywardgenius on Dec 6, 2022 14:40:53 GMT
A young man is showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She is absolutely thrilled at the speed. Never a man to turn down a good opportunity, the young man asks, “If I go 120 mph, will you take off your clothes?”
“Sure!” says his adventurous girlfriend. So off they go. As he gets up to 120 mph, she starts peeling off her clothes. The young man is so distracted that he can't keep his eyes on the road, and they skid out and flip end over end. The naked girl is thrown clear, but the boyfriend is trapped beneath the steering wheel.
“Go get help!” he cries.
“But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!” wails the young lady.
“Take my shoe,” grunts the young man, “and cover yourself.”
Holding the shoe over her privates, the girl runs down the road until she reaches a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleads to the station's proprietor for help.
“Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!”
The proprietor looks at the shoe and shakes his head. “There's nothin' I can do, love. Your boyfriend done gone in too far.”
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Post by waywardgenius on Dec 30, 2022 15:12:07 GMT
A Scotsman was on holiday in New York. One day he decided to visit the Empire State Building so he could view the city from above. As he stood on the roof, marvelling at the view, he heard a voice say, "Hey, man, do you wanna try a flip?"
He looked around and saw two hippie types, with long hair and wearing sandals, sitting on the edge of the roof, their legs dangling over the side of the building.
He walked over to them, and said, "What's a flip?"
One of the hippie types said, "Watch this." He then leaned forward and dropped over the edge of the building. He plummeted down, and when he was about ten feet from the sidewalk he executed a backflip, then he began to travel upwards until he was, once again, sitting on the edge of the roof.
The Scotsman was amazed by this remarkable trick. "How on earth did you manage that?" he asked.
"It's very easy," replied the hippie type. "When you are about ten feet from the sidewalk, just execute a backflip and you'll travel back up again."
So the Scotsman stood at the edge of the building, leaned forward, and let himself fall. He hurtled downward, yelling with exhilaration. When he was about ten feet from the ground he executed a backflip, but he continued to plummet and he splattered on the sidewalk.
The second hippie type turned to the first and said, "You know, Gabriel, for an angel you can sometimes be a right bastard."
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Lord Fickle
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Post by Lord Fickle on Jan 4, 2023 20:25:03 GMT
A Night At The Prom...
So there’s this slightly introverted high school student who has never asked a girl to a dance.
It’s his senior year and he feels that he should go to prom.
He musters up the courage to ask one of his friends.
She says yes…… Now he has to prepare for the dance.
The next day, he goes to buy his tickets, and there is a huge line……… So he waits, and waits, and waits, and finally gets the tickets.
The following day, he goes with his date to get a dress.
When they get to the store, there is a huge line going out the door…… So they wait, and wait, and wait.
Finally, they get to the front and buy a dress.
After this, they go to men's outfitters to get him a suit for the dance, and there is a huge line going out the door... So they wait, and wait, and wait. Finally they get in and buy a nice suit.
The next day, he remembers that he needs to order a corsage.
So he goes to the local store and there is a huge line……
So he waits, and waits, and waits until he gets his order in.
Now it’s the day before prom and he wakes up and realizes that he forgot to order a limo.
He calls up the limo rental place. All the lines are busy so he decides to go there.
When he gets there, he sees the line stretching out the door and around the corner…… He waits, and waits, and waits, until finally he is lucky enough to get the very last limo.
Now it’s the night of the dance and when they get to the prom, the school is doing mandatory drug testing, so there is a huge line getting into the prom…… So they wait, and wait, and wait.
Finally, they get to the front and both pass their drug tests.
The dance is going pretty good for about a half an hour, until he really, really has to go to the bathroom.
So he takes off to go and sees this huge line going out of the bathroom… He waits, and waits, and waits until he finally takes care of his business.
When he comes out of the bathroom, he notices that a crowd has formed around his date.
She has just randomly passed out. Someone says to him,
“Hey, you’re her date; go get her some punch.”
So he goes over to the punch table and…thank goodness…
there is no punch line.
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Steve
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Post by Steve on Jan 5, 2023 17:00:54 GMT
Haha!
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pg
Queen Mab
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Post by pg on Jan 5, 2023 23:34:17 GMT
If someone's fainted, water is what you need to hydrate them, not some random mix of alcohol, fruit juice and 300 people's cooties....
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Post by waywardgenius on Feb 7, 2023 18:35:32 GMT
Everyone in my next-door neighbour's family is a member of an elite police firearms unit. Well, everyone except his grandfather; he's a bank robber. Sadly, he died last week, surrounded by his family...
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pg
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Post by pg on Feb 7, 2023 19:28:03 GMT
Everyone in my next-door neighbour's family is a member of an elite police firearms unit. Well, everyone except his grandfather; he's a bank robber. Sadly, he died last week, surrounded by his family... Wouldn't the standard background checks have disqualified the family of a bank robber from serving in any branch of the police? |
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Post by waywardgenius on Feb 7, 2023 22:05:47 GMT
Everyone in my next-door neighbour's family is a member of an elite police firearms unit. Well, everyone except his grandfather; he's a bank robber. Sadly, he died last week, surrounded by his family... Wouldn't the standard background checks have disqualified the family of a bank robber from serving in any branch of the police? Point 1: Background checks?! In light of recent revelations from the Met (and other forces in the UK), I wouldn't put any faith in the quality of background checks these days... Point 2: Who's to say the grandfather didn't become a bank robber until AFTER his family members had joined the police... Point 3: It's a joke. Are you not aware of the title of this thread? |
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pg
Queen Mab
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Post by pg on Feb 8, 2023 7:30:31 GMT
It's not the same when I have to explain it.
Sorry, waywardgenius, I meant no ill will
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Post by waywardgenius on Feb 19, 2023 12:22:08 GMT
Doctor: “Mr. Jones, you may want to sit down. I have some bad news and some very bad news... which would you like to hear first?”
Mr. Jones: “Oh jeez, I guess I’ll take the bad news first.”
Doctor: “The bad news is that I got your test results, and you have 24 hours to live.”
Mr. Jones: “What?! How could there possibly be worse news than that?!”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday...”
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Post by waywardgenius on Feb 19, 2023 12:23:42 GMT
A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up.
His boss asks him, “Jeez, what happened to your ears?”
“Well, yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and I accidentally answered the iron.”
“Well that explains one ear,” the boss replied, “but what about the other one?”
“I had to call the doctor!”
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Steve
Wordles & Heardles
Queen Mab
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Post by Steve on Feb 20, 2023 17:39:29 GMT
A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up. His boss asks him, “Jeez, what happened to your ears?” “Well, yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and I accidentally answered the iron.” “Well that explains one ear,” the boss replied, “but what about the other one?” “I had to call the doctor!” Hahahahahaha that is fucking awesome! |
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Post by angusscrimm on Feb 20, 2023 20:08:36 GMT
In light of the Roald Dahl story...
Some woke snowflake bastard called me "enormous" today. I said don't be cheeky, I'm only fat.
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Post by waywardgenius on Feb 24, 2023 19:49:48 GMT
Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied old John, "there's my ranch hand, who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week, plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."
"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied old rancher John.
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Post by waywardgenius on Feb 24, 2023 19:54:34 GMT
George, the farmer, had so many children that he ran out of names. So he started calling his kids after something around his farm.
It was the first day of school, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of farmer George's sons, the boy replied, "Wagon Wheel."
The teacher said, "I need your real name, boy," to which the lad replied, "It's Wagon Wheel, sir... really."
The teacher, rather annoyed, rejoined, "All right, young man, take yourself right down to the Principal's office this minute."
The youngster pushed himself out of his chair, turned to his sister and said, "C'mon, Chicken Feed, he ain't gonna believe you either."
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Post by waywardgenius on Feb 24, 2023 20:02:18 GMT
Farmer Barry got into his 4x4, drove to the neighbouring ranch, and knocked at the door. A young boy, Neil, aged about 9, opened the door.
"Is yer Dad home?" Barry demanded.
"No, sir, he ain't," Neil replied. "He went into town."
"Well, then," inquired Barry, "is yer Mom here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad," explained Neil, patiently.
Farmer Barry stood there for a few seconds, shifting from one foot to the other and muttering to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" Neil asked, politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."
"Well, it's difficult," answered Barry, uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother getting my daughter pregnant."
Neil considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $600 for the bull, and $60 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
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Post by waywardgenius on Mar 16, 2023 22:45:42 GMT
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, the veterinarian pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What!?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador. The Labrador went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Labrador sadly shook his head and said, "Woof".
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. Like his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600.
The dog's owner went berserk. "$600!? Just to tell me my dog is dead!? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the Cat scan..."
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Post by saintjiub on Mar 17, 2023 1:53:03 GMT
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, the veterinarian pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away." "What!?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!" With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador. The Labrador went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Labrador sadly shook his head and said, "Woof". The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. Like his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room. The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600!? Just to tell me my dog is dead!? This is outrageous!" The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the Cat scan..." The labrador was a recent hire, because the french bulldog retired from veterinary work ...
However, in the US, the french bulldog overtook the labrador as the favorite dog breed.
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Lord Fickle
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Post by Lord Fickle on Mar 18, 2023 21:24:44 GMT
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep" the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping,
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars" the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."
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