Funny Jokes (Over 18's only)

Three blondes were out hiking when they came upon a set of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."

The second blonde said, "Don't be daft. Those are elk tracks."

The third blonde said, "You're both wrong. Those are moose tracks."

They were still arguing when the train ran them down...

😉😁

An elderly couple walked into McDonald's and ordered one burger, one medium fries, and one Coke. They collected the order and sat down at a table. The elderly gent carefully cut the burger in half, and placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully divided the fries into two equally-sized piles, and placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a small sip of the Coke, then his wife also took a small sip. She then placed the Coke between them.

A group of young men at a nearby table noticed this, and they felt bad that the couple could only afford to buy one meal. One young man approached the elderly couple and asked if he could buy them another meal. The elderly gent replied, "I appreciate the kind offer, young man, but we always share everything."

The young man returned to his seat. He watched the elderly man taking the occasional bite from his half of the burger, eating one or two fries, then taking a small sip of the Coke. His wife also took the occasional small sip of the Coke, but she hadn't eaten any of her half of the burger, nor had she eaten any fries.

The young man again approached the elderly couple and repeated his offer to buy them another meal. The wife thanked him for his kind offer, but she told the young man that they always shared everything. The young man left them and returned to his seat. Again he watched as the elderly gent took the occasional small bite of his half of the burger, ate a couple of fries, then took a small sip of the Coke. His wife also took the occasional small sip of the Coke, but she still hadn't eaten any of her half of the burger, nor had she eaten any fries.

For the third time the young man approached the elderly couple. This time he asked the wife why she hadn't eaten anything.

She replied, "As we told you, we always share everything."

The young man asked, "So why haven't you eaten anything?"

The wife replied, "I'm waiting for my turn with the dentures."

Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because at 69 she get a frog in her throat!

An airport was holding an Open Day, and as part of the festivities a local flying club was offering people the opportunity to take a flight in a World War One-era biplane. It was a beautiful sunny day, so business was brisk. However, although it remained sunny and dry, the wind grew stronger and stronger throughout the day. By late afternoon it was very windy indeed.

The last people in the queue were a farmer and his wife, so the pilot said to them, "I have clearance from Air Traffic Control, but I must warn you that it will be very bumpy and turbulent. I hope you don't scare easily."

"Not at all," said the farmer. "We're country folk born and bred. There's nothing that will scare us. But as it's going to be so rough in the air, we should get a special price."

The pilot said, "Well, I usually charge £30, but I'll only charge you £10."

The farmer and his wife were happy with the discount, so the pilot helped them into the biplane, then he clambered into the cockpit. Not really wanting to lose £20, the pilot said to the farmer, "The special price will only apply if you don't shout or scream during the flight."

"That's fine," agreed the farmer, so the pilot started the biplane and took off.

The pilot flew the biplane into the worst of the wind, and the aircraft bounced alarmingly, but the farmer remained silent. Still not wanting to lose £20, the pilot then launched the biplane into a series of barrel rolls and loop-the-loops, but the farmer didn't utter a sound. Admitting defeat, the pilot then brought the biplane in to land.

As the pilot was helping the farmer from the biplane, he was handed £10. The pilot said, "I'm very impressed with how cool you remained during the flight. I really wouldn't have expected anyone to stay silent, especially with the buffeting from the wind and with the aerobatic manoeuvres."

The farmer then looked a little sheepish. "Well," he began, "I will admit that I very nearly said something when the wife fell out."

A teacher asked three of his pupils to state the odd one out among potato, cabbage, and knife.

The first pupil said, "The knife is the odd one out because the other two are vegetables."

The second pupil said, "The knife is the odd one out because it is the only one that contains metal."

The third pupil said, "The cabbage is the odd one out."

"How do you work that out?" asked the teacher.

The pupil replied, "You can make chips with the other two."

A cowboy, who had just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. It hasn't affected my brothers though."

Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and disease! Brutish, incorrect lengths had been forced together, buckling the wood and bulging the steel at points, as if death, itself, were attempting to escape. It was festooned with beast-like emblems and decrepid artifacts: skulls, antlers, skins, totems, and drenched in the color of blood!

It was TRUE! The house really was haunted!

"OOOoooOOOoOOooOoOouuUUUUUuuuuUOOuouOUO"

Now the boys realized with sheer horror that the insane moaning was definitely coming from the coffin!

Before the boys could turn and run, the coffin began to shake! They froze.

Then it suddenly LIFTED off the ground! They gaped in terror!

Shaking violently and rising, the coffin started to turn. It turned and turned, and gained speed. It was spinning in the air before them! A mix of terror and fascination gripped them. Unable to look away. Unable to run. It spun faster and faster AND FASTER!

"OOOoooOOOoOOooOoOouuUUUUUuuuuUOOuouOUOOOOOOOoo"

The first boy with the knife slashed in the air in front of him, as if to stab away at the evil! Then he dropped the knife and ran back up the stairs, never to be seen again.

The second boy with the gun fired warning shots at the ceiling BANG! BANG!, but then thought better of it, dropped his gun and also ran up the stairs, and also was never to be seen again.

The third boy stood there calmly, reached into his pocket and popped a cough drop into his mouth. He sucked on it for a bit...



And the coffin stopped.  

An old man was approaching a junction in his car. Just then he sneezed, and his foot slipped off the brake pedal, causing him to rear-end a pickup truck. The truck driver, a large and beefy redneck, got out of his truck and stomped back to the old man's car.

"Look what you've done to my truck, you old fool!" he ranted. "It's going to cost a fortune to get it fixed, so you'd better give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

The old man said, "I don't have that amount of cash on me, but I'll phone my son and see if he can help. He trains dolphins."

"I don't care what he does!" roared the truck driver. "He just better get here soon with $10,000!"

So the old man phoned his son, who promised he would be there in a few minutes.

When the son arrived, the truck driver launched into another tirade. "Your dad shouldn't be driving if he's going to go around smashing into other people's vehicles, so you'd better have $10,000 on you or I'm going to beat you and your dad to a pulp!"

The son merely nodded, then he promptly knocked the truck driver unconscious with two lightning-fast blows. He then walked back to his dad and said, "Dad, how many times must I tell you that I don't train dolphins? I train SEALs; Navy SEALs."

Wee Johnny's auntie had just given birth to a baby boy. Unfortunately, the baby boy was born without any ears. When the auntie got home from the hospital, the whole family was invited to her house to see the new arrival. As they were about to leave their house for the visit, Wee Johnny's father took him aside and said, "Now, Johnny, the baby has no ears. I don't want you to point this out. In fact, if you even mention the word 'ears' you will get the hiding of your life when we get home. Do you understand?"

"oh, yes," said Wee Johnny. "I promise I won't even mention ears."

"Good boy," said his father, and they went off to visit the auntie.

When Wee Johnny saw the baby, he said, "What a beautiful baby! He has a cute nose, and I love the colour of his eyes." He turned to his auntie and asked, "Is the baby's eyesight okay?"

"Oh, yes," replied his auntie. "The doctor at the hospital says his vision is perfect."

"Thank goodness for that," said Wee Johnny. "He'd be stuffed if he had to wear glasses."

Big news from the tennis today. Emma Raducanu lived through a match without any part of her body failing. According to scientists at NASA, this is no cause for alarm, but I'm buying extra toilet roll just in case....

A blonde was driving in a snowstorm. As the snowstorm intensified, eventually she couldn't see to drive safely, so she pulled over and stopped. She remembered that her father had once told her that if she was driving in a snowstorm and it became unsafe to continue driving, she should wait for a snowplough to come along, then follow it.

After a short while a snowplough appeared, so she started to follow it. After 45 minutes the snowplough stopped, and the driver came back to the blonde's car.

"Why are you following me?" he inquired.

The blonde told him about the advice her father had given her.

"I see," said the snowplough driver. "Well, I've finished clearing the supermarket car park. Do you want to follow me across the road to the DIY store?"

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself.

He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).

'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company.

It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'

'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day!'

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.

He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

One Saturday night, as he was sitting in the saloon, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.

The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.

"Could you possibly give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Yep, sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Yep, you bet it will," replied the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learning' somethin' here - got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Nope," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much.