Funny Jokes (Over 18's only)

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents: two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what," says the interviewer. "Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

"You can't be serious," the man says. "I could never shoot my wife."

"Then you're not the right man for the job," says the interviewer.

The second man is given the same instructions. Five minutes later, he emerges with tears in his eyes and says, "I can't."

Finally, the woman is given the test, but with her husband. She takes the gun and enters the room. Shots are heard, then screaming, crashing, and banging. After a few minutes, she comes out and wipes the sweat from her brow.

"You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks," she says. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

There was a Scotsman, an Englishman and Catherine Zeta-Jones sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old-style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Catherine Zeta-Jones and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Catherine Zeta-Jones and she's tried to slap him, missed him in the dark and slapped me instead.'

Catherine Zeta-Jones was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.'

A man is in a hotel lobby. As he runs to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman and as he does, his elbow hits her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 243."

What's the difference between an elephant's arse and a polo?

Suck it and see!

How do you get four elephants in a Mini?

Two in the front, two in the back.

How do you know if an elephant is in your fridge?

A set of footprints in the butter.

How do you know if two elephants are in your fridge?

Two sets of footprints in the butter.

How do you know if three elephants are in your fridge?

Three sets of footprints in the butter.

How do you know if four elephants are in your fridge?

Their Mini is parked outside...

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the pharmacy that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit £10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the pharmacy. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited £10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labour. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the pharmacy, poured it in the machine and deposited £10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him worming tablets.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.

Liking your own post? Don't ever become a singer, mate, it'll cost you a fortune buying all your own records! 😄😄😉

Two cannibals were eating a comedian. One cannibal turned to the other and said, "Does this taste funny to you?"

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

A guy goes off to buy a dog. He walks into the seller's garden & sees a nice Labrador sitting there.

"Hi, doggie!" he says.

"How's it goin'?" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was still a puppy. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI6. Soon they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies & world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for 6 years running. But the travelling tired me, and I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to slow down and try a change of career. I got a job at the airport working security, wandering near suspicious characters & listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings & was awarded a bunch of medals. Then I decided to settle down. I retired, found myself a nice bitch, had a mess of puppies, and now I just enjoy myself lazing around the garden."

The guy is amazed. He rings the doorbell & asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten pounds," the guy says.

"Ten pounds? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a bullshitter. He's never been any further than the local park."

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. Now you're going to be OK, you'll walk again, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The bloke groans a bit and the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work just as well as your old one did; better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's one thousand pounds an inch".

The bloke perks up at this, even though it's one thousand pounds an inch.

"So the thing is" the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. It's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch one before and you decide to go for a nine-incher she might be a bit overwhelmed. But if you had a nine-inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five-incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."

The bloke agrees to talk with his wife. The following day the doctor comes back. "So", says the doctor, "Have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the fellow.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has," says the bloke.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're having a new kitchen."

A young man walks out of a bar with a girl he just pulled.
"Let's go back to your joint..." he says, "my house mates are home and we'll get no peace there."

Reluctantly the girl agrees. They walk back to her house and quietly enter through the front door.

"Take a seat" says the girl, pointing to the sofa, "I'm just going to get changed out of this dress and I'll be right back." She heads to the hallway before pausing and turning back to him to say "But please don't go into the kitchen. Just do not go into the kitchen..." He nods and she heads upstairs.

She's gone a few minutes and he begins to wonder why she was so adamant that he shouldn't go into the kitchen. The kitchen door is ajar. "One little peek won't hurt, will it?" he murmured to himself. He crept over to the kitchen door and poked his head through.

His eyes widened and jaw dropped aghast at what he saw. An older woman was standing there in front of a man, half naked, a beer bottle in her vagina. The man was also half naked, sitting on a stool, legs spread with his genitals pointing at the woman and a match stick propping his eye open.

The man, shocked, turned and tried to run but bumped straight into the girl who had by this point returned.

"Wait I can explain!" she cried.

"What the fuck! I'm going, this is a fucking mad house..." he stuttered as he tried to go but she grabbed his arm, "They're my parents, they're both deaf and that's their version of sign language," she explained.

"Well what are they saying?" he asked.

"Well," she explains, "my mum is saying 'get the beers in you cuńt,' and my dad is replying 'bollocks to you, I'm watching the match'!!

A primary school teacher was explaining to her students how to correctly use the word 'definitely'. When she had finished, she asked the students to give her an example of a sentence using the word.

Janey raised her hand and said, "I'm definitely going to have fish fingers for my tea tonight."

The teacher said, "That's a good try, Janey, but your mum or your dad might cook something else for your tea."

Alison raised her hand and said, "I'm definitely going to Italy for my summer holiday next year."

The teacher said, "Again, that's a good try, Alison, but your mum and dad might decide to go somewhere else for your holiday."

Johnny raised his hand and said, "Please Miss, are farts lumpy?"

The teacher said, "No, they're not, Johnny."

So Johnny said, "Then I've definitely shit my pants."