Funny Jokes (Over 18's only)

Aaargh! 🤢

I guess that's what you call a bad taste joke...

I was in a pub last night and saw two large girls by the bar.

They both had strange accents so I said "Hello. Are you two girls from Scotland?"

One of them screamed "It's WALES, you fucking idiot!"

So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

Haha. Awesome!

A blonde drops off her dress at the dry cleaners.

The proprietor says, "Come again!"

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

"That Woman", Monica, is actually a brunette.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says "Pint please... And one for the road."

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks. "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a couple of minutes later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back, and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife..."

Two nuns were riding their bicycles down the street.

The first nun says, "I've never came this way before."

The second nun says, "Yeah, it's the cobblestones!"

A cowboy walked into a saloon, wearing a paper stetson, a paper shirt, a paper waistcoat and paper chaps. The sheriff arrested him for rustling.

Three new arrivals in Heaven were chatting about how they came to be there.

The first guy said, "I suspected my wife was being unfaithful, so I left my night-shift job early and got home to my flat earlier than expected. I went into the bedroom and found my wife awake. She was flushed and sweating, and her hair was all mussed up. She denied my accusations, so I began to search the bedroom for her lover. Just then I heard the front door of the block of flats closing. I looked out the window and saw a guy tucking in his shirt and fastening his trousers. I thought this must be her lover, so I opened the bedroom window and heaved the wardrobe out. The exertion brought on a heart attack and I dropped down dead."

The second guy said, "I overslept, so I was in a rush to get to work on time. As I left my building, still struggling into my clothes, a wardrobe landed on my head and killed me instantly."

The third guy said, "Well, I was hiding in this wardrobe..."

Shout out to anyone wondering what the opposite of in is.

I was on the toilet, and shortly after I sat down I heard from the stall next door, "Hi, how are you?". Embarrassed but not wanting to be rude I said "doing fine?" Then I hear them ask "So what are you up to?". ?!?! "Um..." I said "Same as you I'd guess. Just sitting here." Then I'm completely caught off guard when asked "Can I come over?" "I'm kind of busy at the moment" Annoyed I responded. Then I hear "Listen, I'll call you back later, the idiot in the next stall is answering all of my questions."