Funny Jokes (Over 18's only)

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.


If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

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If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

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If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, National Insurance number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.....

I went to the doctor and told him I'd broken my leg in several places, so he said don't go to those places.

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.

She went from Barking to Tooting in 40 minutes.

Hold on, I thought these were supposed to be funny jokes!  I demand a refund! 

Confucius, he say cross-eyed teacher cannot control pupils.

Understanding politics and the economy can be accomplished by starting with two cows.

COMMUNISM
You have two cows.
The state takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have two cows.
The state takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have two cows.
The state takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have two cows.
The state takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called "Cowkimon" and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go to the pub for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You borrow against the cows from the Germans.
You kill the cows and make souvlaki.
You can't pay the interest, so the Germans lend you more money.
You can't pay the interest, so the French lend you more money.
You can't pay the interest, so the Italians lend you more money.
You can't pay the interest, so the Spaniards lend you more money.
You can't pay the interest, so your people hold a general strike.
You can't pay the interest, so the EU bails you out.
You drink more ouzo.

Lol!

Looooool!!!

The head psychiatrist decides it's time to see whether some patients are ready to leave the hospital, so he takes one to a room where there is a large, empty swimming pool, and a diving board overhanging it.

He takes the patient to the edge of the board and says: "Jump!" The patient jumps and breaks both his legs and is carried away.

The next patient is taken up and after the same injunction, jumps and breaks both her arms and is carried away.

The last patient is taken up and told to jump and he refuses.

The head psychiatrist says, "Congratulations! You have passed the test, and are free to leave, but tell me out of curiosity why you refused to jump."

The patient replies, "I can't swim."

Midway through a circus performance two brawny lads led a wild horse into the ring. The ringmaster announced that anyone who could stay on the horse for sixty seconds would win £500 in cash. A number of young men rushed to the front to try their luck. None of them was able to stay on the horse for more than ten seconds. Slowly, an old man shuffled his way to the front and said he would give it a try. The brawny lads helped him onto the horse and let go. The horse went nuts, bucking like crazy, but the old man stayed on the horse. Forty seconds elapsed, then fifty, but the old man still wasn't thrown. When sixty seconds had elapsed, the brawny lads grabbed the horse and held it as still as they could while the ringmaster helped the old man to dismount. The ringmaster handed the old man £500, then the old man shuffled back to his seat while the crowd cheered and applauded his achievement. When the old man sat down his wife turned to him and said, "When did you learn to ride bucking broncos?" The old man replied, "Remember that time you had whooping cough?..."

Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory. Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?

A young Indian brave goes to his Chief to ask for advice.

"Chief?" he asked. "How do you choose the names you give us?"

The Chief responds, "You see your friend there? I named him Soaring Eagle after the first thing that I saw when he was born. I named your older brother Sitting Bull after the first thing that I saw when he was born. That goes for everyone I name. But you, of all the braves, should know this, Two Dogs Fucking."

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't".

Father looks at his teenage son, “James, you’ve been adopted.”

James jumps up, “Adopted! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father laughs, “No no, James, we are your biological parents. But you need to get packing, your adoptive ones will be here in an hour.”