Funny Jokes (Over 18's only)

A man is playing in his cricket league's final, and is just about to bowl when he notices a funeral procession walking past.
He immediately stops, takes off his cap, and bows his head until they pass.

"That was real sportsmanship you showed there." the Umpire tells him at the end of the match.

"Well it was the least I could do," replies the man. "It was my wife's funeral."

James and his friend Tom were playing a round of golf with their wives early on a Sunday. It was a four ball, better ball format with a little bit of cash on the line.

James stood on the 10th tee having hooked his previous three tee shots, and to no one's surprise he hooked his drive again. When he found his ball, it was right up against one of the greenskeeper's buildings. His wife advised him to hit the shot through a narrow gap between the side of the building and some branches.

"I can't do that," James said. "Look how narrow that gap is!" But his wife was persistent in urging him on, and she persuaded James to attempt the risky shot.

So James took a mighty swing and struck the ball ... and the ball caromed off a tree branch, ricocheted off the building and hit his wife in the head, knocking her stone cold dead.

A week after the funeral, James and another friend, Ashley, were having a round. James teed up the ball on No. 10 and hit the exact shot he had hit a week before.

He found his ball in the same spot, and once again his partner advised him to hit through the gap.

"No way," James said. "I can't hit that shot."

"Why not?" Ashley asked him.

"Well," James replied, "you know what happened last time."

"No, I don't," said Ashley. "What happened?"

"Well, last time I tried that shot," James said, "I made a double bogey!"

Tiger Woods admitted during an interview that he always wears two pairs of trousers when he plays golf. When the interviewer asked him why, Woods replied, "In case I get a hole in one..."

In a park, a fella comes across a man playing chess against a dog. He is astonished and says "What a clever dog!”

However, the man protests:
“No, no, he isn’t that clever. I’m leading three games to one!"

Lol! 😄

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. “Please allow me to help. I’m a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.

It was obvious that he was in agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

The female golfer urged him to let her help him, so at her insistence, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel?"

He replied, “That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!”

A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20-foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.

The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, “That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?”

“Somersaults,” says the man.

“Somersaults?!” says the friend, “That’s incredible. How many does he do?”

“Hmmm,” says the man. “That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.”

What did Yul Brynner always sing on January 1st?

Bald Lang Syne...

"A man scored a three hundred and one in bowling."

"How can you bowl a three hundred and one?"

"Well you can't bowl a three hundred and lose!"

After winning the game I decided to throw my ball into the crowd.

Apparently that’s frowned upon in bowling.

There once was a man from Pompeii,

One day made a wife out of clay,

But the heat from his prick,

Turned the clay into brick,

And tore all his foreskin away!

Er...maybe you need to work on your delivery?

What’s the difference between a nail and a bad boxer?

One gets knocked in and the other gets knocked out.

I came into the office this morning and said to my boss, "Dave, I don't think I'm up to working today. I feel really ill". He said, "That's alright mate, just get yourself off". I said, "I don't want to do that, I just want to go home".