Funny Jokes (Over 18's only)

In case anyone hasn't got the message...

youtu.be/e0-2XxgHIXk

A cannibal passed his brother in the woods....

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.
Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her Majesty: "Fascinating. Very well, carry on."

All is well, until a few doors down the Queen sees a beautiful blonde nurse giving another patient a blowjob.

Her Majesty: "Now what's this?"

Nurse: "He's suffering from the same condition as that other patient, but this man has much better health insurance."

A few more....



Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'



A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
 
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday'.
 
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'
 
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
 
Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
 
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'    

Hahaha that's a good one!

An old man is at home on his death bed. Suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favourite chocolate-chip cookies. Summoning up his strength, he gets out of bed and he goes to the kitchen where his wife of 50 years is cooking these beautiful chocolate-chip cookies. There are four of them on a plate, just out of the oven. With his last remaining strength he reaches over to take one of the cookies. His wife sees him, and she rushes over and slaps his hand. "No," she says, "they're for the funeral."

A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree. Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, Father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts, and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"

She consented, and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied, lifting his robe.

"Oh, Father; may I touch it?"

This time the priest consented, and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true, Father?"

"Yes it is, Sister."

"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and let's get the fuck out of here."

A box of condoms fall onto a virgin's lap on the way to the drive-in.

Virgin - "What are these?".

Guy - "Umm.. those..those are cigarette holders!"

Virgin - "Where do you get these cigarette holders?"

Guy - "At the pharmacy."

The next day,, the virgin goes to the pharmacy to get herself some cigarette holders.

Pharmacist - "How may I help you?".

Virgin - "I'd like a box of condoms, please."

Pharmacist - "Okay, what size do you need, Miss?".

Virgin - "I'd say big enough for a camel!"

A priest visits a mechanic to get his annual car maintenance
The mechanic says his car is in good shape and that it shouldn't take too long so it wouldn't hurt to wait around a bit. As the mechanic was finishing putting the wheels back on the car he notices the priest's concerned look.

"What's the matter sir?"

"Oh, I had a wheel come loose last week on the highway so I was hoping you could give those nuts some extra tightening"

"Not to worry, I assure you they're tight as a nun's pussy"

Realizing who he was speaking to, the mechanic profusely apologizes to his client for his crude language.

The priest replies "apology accepted" then leans forward and adds "but between you and me, I'd give those nuts a few extra turns".

Some of these jokes are nuts lol!

Haha I'm glad it is!!

🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Why the long face?"