Funny Jokes (Over 18's only)

You expect me to remember a joke from 2020?! 😄

None taken. To be honest, I can't remember the last time I heard a joke I've not heard a version of before. 🙂

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!

Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.

Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him.

"What in the world is wrong with you?!

You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied,

"Nothing dear, I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

A husband tells his wife, “I bet you can’t say something that’ll make me happy and sad at the same time”. She thinks for a bit and says “your penis is bigger than your brother’s”.

 A Tale of Two Lizards...

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”

“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”

“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged.

“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?”she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know!” she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“Oh, gross!” they shrieked.

“Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God’s sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. ‘This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen.

Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And, occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um...um . . . masturbate.

Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

“So, Ernie’s just...just...excited?", my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I’m picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little...”

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car..

He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad.” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!  

An old pilot sat down in Starbucks, and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeroncas, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict. I taught 50 people to fly, and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot. what about you?"

The young woman said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"

The old pilot replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

I feel terrible for their experience. I myself narrowly avoided several catastrophic collisions yesterday.

By not driving anywhere

The only Ashes the Aussies don't want back!

A doctor and an engineer entered a chocolate store. As they browsed, the doctor stole three chocolate bars.

As they left the store, the doctor said to the engineer, "Man! I'm the best thief ever! I stole three chocolate bars, and no-one saw me. You can't beat that!"

The engineer replied, "Okay, you wanna see something better? Let's go back to the store and I'll show you some real stealing."

So they both went up to the counter, and the engineer said to the shop assistant, "Hey, would you like to see some magic?"

The shop assistant replied, "Yes, that would be cool."

The engineer said, "Give me a chocolate bar".

The shop assistant gave him one, and he ate it. He asked for a second chocolate bar, and he ate that one as well. He then asked for a third chocolate bar, which he promptly ate, too.

The shop assistant said, "Okay, what are you trying to pull here? Where's the magic?"

And the engineer replied, "Check in my friend's pocket and you'll find all three chocolate bars."

A hillbilly went hunting one day in North Carolina and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting licence, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid North Carolina hunting licence. The game warden looked at the licence, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain't from North Carolina. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky huntin' licence, boy?”

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting licence. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got a Tennessee huntin' licence?”

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee hunting licence. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Tennessee duck. This here duck's from Virginia. You got a Virginia huntin' licence?”

Again, the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting licence. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, “Just where the hell are you from?"

The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me, you're the expert.”

My high school buddy from nearly 45 years ago told me this "Dad" joke before dad jokes were a thing ... he was a man before his time ...

This was another of his shaggy dog jokes he used to torment us with:


An angel was feeling rather blue with the uniform sameness of heaven and went to see St. Peter.

"All I do," the angel said, "is play the harp endlessly, and I'm getting bored."

St. Peter asked, "What would you rather do?"

The angel answered, "I like to dance."

"We don't allow dancing here in heaven," St. Peter said, "but I can see you need a change so I will allow you to take advantage of a once-in-an-eternal-lifetime offer. I will allow you 24 hours leave to return to earth and dance."

"I'm gone," the angel said and in a trice the angel was in California and quickly found a dance hall run by Samuel Frank. Checking the harp and wings, the angel boogied and danced and had a great time until just seconds remained of the leave. The angel grabbed up the wings and immediately was in heaven again.

Returning to St. Peter, the angel said, "I'm back and I am so happy. I'll never feel bored again."

St. Peter said, "That's wonderful, but where is your musical instrument?"

"Oh, no," the angel said, "I left my harp in Sam Frank's Disco!"

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000, and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a newsagent's to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the assistant, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a sweet shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints, and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78, and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then, I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay.....How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are exactly 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man replied, "I was standing behind you in the queue at McDonald's."