Lord Fickle
Global Moderator 
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Post by Lord Fickle on Feb 26, 2024 19:40:54 GMT
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. One Saturday night, as he was sitting in the saloon, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Could you possibly give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Yep, sure will," said the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Yep, you bet it will," replied the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learning' somethin' here - got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Nope," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much. You already posted this same one back on 07 July 2023... I can't even remember what I had for breakfast, let alone what I posted last year! 😄 |
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Post by waywardgenius on Feb 27, 2024 10:10:24 GMT
You already posted this same one back on 07 July 2023... I can't even remember what I had for breakfast, let alone what I posted last year! 😄 I know how you feel, Your Lordship. And a good joke is always worth a second telling.  |
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Lord Fickle
Global Moderator
Posts: 26,021
Likes: 11,243
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Post by Lord Fickle on Apr 7, 2024 12:30:23 GMT
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.
The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.
She wrote: Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."
Love, Mama.
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Post by waywardgenius on Apr 26, 2024 16:29:09 GMT
I bought a deodorant stick today. The instructions said, 'Remove cap and push up bottom.' Now I can hardly walk, but when I fart the room smells lovely!
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Post by waywardgenius on May 3, 2024 13:12:21 GMT
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Wow, perfect timing. You're just like Frank.”
The passenger asks, “Who?”
The cabby explains, “Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman,” answered the cabby. “He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
The passenger asked, “How did you meet him?”
The cabby replied, “I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his widow."
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Post by waywardgenius on May 15, 2024 18:30:04 GMT
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the woman's lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The man, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the priest to confess his sins, and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again; you're in my closet now."
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Post by waywardgenius on May 28, 2024 16:34:16 GMT
I just bought a glass coffin. Is it a good idea? Remains to be seen...
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Post by waywardgenius on May 28, 2024 16:34:54 GMT
A pun walked into a bar. Ten people immediately died.
Pun in, ten dead...
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Post by waywardgenius on May 29, 2024 20:32:51 GMT
I ran out of petrol on the way home today. As the engine shut off, I was able to pull over to the side of the road, where I cracked open the windows so it wouldn't get too hot. A moment later, a bee flew in my car window, and landed on the steering wheel.
"Hi," said the bee in his squeaky little bee voice. "Are you out of petrol?" he asked.
Stunned by the bee's concern for a moment, I stammered my response: “Yes, I sure am.”
"Give me a minute," said the bee, and he flew away.
A few minutes later, the bee returned with the entire hive of bees, and they all flew into my petrol tank. After a short while, they emerged.
"Try it now," said one of the passing bees.
Again, a little stunned by the bee's kindness, I gave it a try, and the car started!!
I then asked one of the bees, as it flew by, "Wow! What did you put in the tank?"
The bee replied, "BP, of course..."
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Post by waywardgenius on Jun 1, 2024 19:23:11 GMT
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
His father replied, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question, and she told him, "We were monkeys, then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mother was talking about her side of the family."
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Post by waywardgenius on Jun 1, 2024 19:26:51 GMT
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office, and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep, and awoke at around 8 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside, and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied, and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes, and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
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Post by waywardgenius on Jun 5, 2024 19:06:58 GMT
Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep, and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question:
"Who is the creator of the universe?"
Johnny was sitting next to Josey, and decided to poke her with a pen to wake her up.
Josey jumped, and yelled, "God Almighty!"
The teacher congratulated her. A little later, the teacher asked her another question:
"Tell me, who is our Lord and Saviour?"
Johnny poked Josey again, and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!"
The teacher congratulated her again.
Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?"
Johnny poked Josey again, and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your arse!"
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Post by waywardgenius on Jun 5, 2024 19:11:44 GMT
After picking her son up from school one day, his mother asks him what he did at school.
The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher."
His mother gets so mad that, when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room.
When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done.
As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room, and asks him what happened at school.
The son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher."
The father tells the boy that he is very proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for.
On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home.
His son responds, "No thanks, Dad, my arse still hurts."
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Post by mattzarella on Jun 6, 2024 6:11:35 GMT
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick. That's not funny. That's informative! |
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Post by waywardgenius on Jun 7, 2024 16:33:34 GMT
As the bus pulled up at the bus stop and it was her turn to get on, Melissa became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to raise to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed, and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind herself to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the third time attempted the step. Once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
At this point, a large bodybuilder, who was standing behind her, picked her up easily by the waist, and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic, and turned to the would-be Samaritan, and yelled. "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The bodybuilder smiled, and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends..."
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Post by mattzarella on Jun 7, 2024 23:13:10 GMT
A young vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian, .....The father says: "NO! Carrion, my wayward son, there'll be peas when you are done." FM radio (west coast, USA) has ruined that fucking song for me. It very nearly prevented me from listening to the incredible work of KANSAS. Corny funny joke though! Haha |
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Post by mattzarella on Jun 9, 2024 13:32:28 GMT
The dead baby jokes were doing the rounds in the early 80s. Lots of jokes are about bad things happening.... the previous 3 about being poisoned, infidelity and serious industrial injury, all of which would be traumatic to anybody having them happen for real. So I agree that while there probably is a limit somewhere, and we should all be respectful of the opinions of others, this thread explicitly says it's for adults. Personally, dead baby jokes are old, tired and therefore a bit low standard. But then at the macro level, all jokes are the same - an expectation not being delivered - so 🤷 Speaking of not being delivered, have you heard any aborted baby jokes? |
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Post by waywardgenius on Jun 9, 2024 16:49:15 GMT
A man kills a deer, and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell their kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The dad said, "Well, it's what Mummy calls me sometimes."
The daughter screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it! It's an asshole!"
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Post by mattzarella on Jun 10, 2024 10:05:10 GMT
Been a rough week, month etc....
So I read through these for comfort
None are mine unless I can come up with something and I'll definitely gloat about it if I can
Jesus, a lawyer, and a priest are on a sinking ship
Jesus stands up and says 'Save the children!'
The lawyer stands up and says 'Fuck the children!'
The priest gets up and asks 'Do you think we have the time?!!
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Post by mattzarella on Jun 10, 2024 10:05:31 GMT
A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly said. "My family went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Statue of Liberty and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word ’fascinate.’"
Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ’fascinate’, so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."
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pg
Queen Mab
Posts: 2,304
Likes: 1,618
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Post by pg on Jun 10, 2024 17:47:27 GMT
Old Mcdonald had Tourettes
E I E I fuck
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vh
Ploughman
Posts: 465
Likes: 475
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Post by vh on Jun 30, 2024 15:18:27 GMT
Old McDonald had dyslexia
Oe Oe i
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Lord Fickle
Global Moderator
Posts: 26,021
Likes: 11,243
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Post by Lord Fickle on Aug 15, 2024 19:43:59 GMT
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Post by mattzarella on Aug 16, 2024 0:13:05 GMT
Well damn. Let's just put this one out there, an old classic
What's the difference between Jelly and Jam?
I can't jelly my dick in your ass!
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pg
Queen Mab
Posts: 2,304
Likes: 1,618
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Post by pg on Sept 4, 2024 12:19:54 GMT
Gary Glitter has written to his lawyer to ask why Brian May having a minor stroke is not getting him cancelled....
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Lord Fickle
Global Moderator
Posts: 26,021
Likes: 11,243
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Post by Lord Fickle on Sept 5, 2024 16:28:46 GMT
I'll have to start watching if this is what they're judged on!  |
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Steve
Wordles & Heardles 
Queen Mab
😀
Posts: 4,237 
Likes: 997
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Post by Steve on Sept 15, 2024 11:09:12 GMT
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vh
Ploughman
Posts: 465
Likes: 475
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Post by vh on Oct 17, 2024 1:04:31 GMT
How many South African police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
10 but only after they’ve beaten the room up for being black 😎
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Post by waywardgenius on Oct 29, 2024 11:25:21 GMT
The doctor told a man that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man thought, 'What the hell, I'll try it.'
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he came up with a solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over to the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
"Well," the cop answered, "you might want to check your brakes, too, while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."
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Post by waywardgenius on Oct 29, 2024 11:28:52 GMT
A woman went to buy a parrot. The prices were $100, $200, and $15.
She asked, "Why is the last one so cheap?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Because he used to live in a brothel."
The woman - loving a good bargain - handed over $15.
When she got home, the parrot said, "Fuck me, a new brothel!"
The woman laughed.
When her daughters got home, the parrot said, "Fuck me, two new prozzies!"
The girls laughed, too.
When the dad got home, the parrot said, "Fuck me, Pete. Haven't seen you for weeks!"
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