Funny Jokes (Over 18's only)

Mine are mostly too silly (Amsterdam cat), or too politically incorrect to post!

But I'll give it some thought...

I tend to like one-line quips, like, "Well, it's been an experience meeting you, we must do this again when you've less time."

Or... WARNING - If you get a link called ‘free porn’ don’t opin it. It is a virus wich deactivates your spelcheck and fcuks up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I don’t uatch porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends. W@nks.

Haha thats a good one! Love it. 🤣🤣🤣

When I get nude in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

I was surprised when my mate told me he's a retired dog walker.

I don't know why he doesn't walk working dogs too.

Lol! Haven't heard that one for a while!

Oh dear! 😄

Lol awesome!

Did you hear the guy who got hit by a can of coke?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

I stole this one from Brendan Behan, but it's not like he's going to sue...

By the side of an Irish country road lie the remains of a recently deceased donkey. A man comes walking by, sees the dead donkey and notices that it's lying in a rather unflattering pose, the donkey's privates on full display. "Well, that won't do", thinks the man, "women and children might come by here". So, he takes out his knife, cuts off the donkey's business, and throws it over the nearest wall.

And don't you know it, that wall belongs to the local convent. So, afternoon comes, the nuns go out for their daily stroll, and they see the donkeys business lying there. The nuns run around the yard wailing and screaming, so out comes the mother superior to see what all the racket is about. The nuns point out the donkey's privates to her, so the mother superior crosses herself, turns her gaze to heaven and cries out: "Oh, Jesus, Joseph and Mary! Look what the protestants have done to poor father O'Flaherty!"

That is quality!!!

A middle-aged man decided to conceal his baldness by buying a hairpiece, which he hoped would make him more attractive to women. That night he wore it to a singles bar where he picked up a pretty young woman and took her back to his apartment. To get her in the mood, he switched off the lights but as they started fumbling passionately in the dark, he realised to his horror that his toupee had fallen off. He began groping frantically for it, hoping to put it back on his head before the girl saw that he was really bald. In his desperation to find the wig, he inadvertently ran his hands up the girl’s legs.

“Oh, that’s it!” she gasped in ecstasy.

“No it isn’t,” he said, momentarily forgetting himself.

“Mine’s got a side parting.”

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug. Apparently, 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhoea. I can’t stop thinking about that 10th person who apparently enjoyed it.

😄😄

I handed my wife a brand new pair of black stockings.

She winked and said, "Shall I go upstairs?"

I said, "No, get your coat on. We're off to rob a petrol station."