Funny Jokes (Over 18's only)

What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

I went to buy a Christmas tree. The guy asked, "So you can put it up yourself?" I said, "No, I was thinking the living room!"

Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?

Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.

RIP Sean.

A husband returns home and screams out loudly:

Honey, pack your things, I've won a million pounds!!

The wife goes over to the wardrobe and asks "What kind of clothes shall I take with me? Summer or winter?"

Husband says "All of them. Now, fuck off!"

Haha that's a good one! Bob was a proper legend.

William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.

Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.

A man and a woman are having an off-road drive in the man's new 4x4. At some point, inevitably, the car gets stuck in the mud. "It's just a matter of getting enough traction", says the man. "We just need to put something right in front of the wheels that they can get a little grip on, and we'll be good to go". Unfortunately, they don't have anything useful with them, and can't find anything lying around. So, they decide to take off their clothes and use them. When the man hits the gas, the car moves a few inches before getting stuck again - along with all their clothes. So now what? Over in the distance, they can see a farmhouse. So the man says to his lady friend - "you go over there and get some help, I'll stay here with the car".

The woman doesn't care for the suggestion. "I'm totally naked! I don't want to go expose myself to some random farmer!", so the man gives her his rubber boots, saying "here, you can hold these in..ahum..strategic places."

So, the woman goes off towards the farm. On the way there, she finds a patch of the most beautiful flowers she has ever seen, so she stops to pick a couple, then heads over to the farmhouse. When she comes up to the door, she realizes she's got a problem: she's got the flowers in one hand, the boots in the other, and she needs to ring the bell while covering herself. So, she holds the hand with the flowers in front of her chest, squeezes the boots between her legs and rings the bell with her free hand. When the, bewildered, farmer opens the door, he sees a naked women with a pair of rubber boots sticking out from between her legs who asks him "can you please help me sir, my boyfriend got stuck".

If I had £100.00 in one pocket and £200.00 in the other, what would I have?

Somebody else's trousers!!!

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson's Nails.

"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."

A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts on a DVD and presses play.

A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything."

Wilson goes mad, shouting, "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"

Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another DVD. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, "Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything."

Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand. I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."

A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new DVD. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to the camera and says, "If only we had used Wilson's Nails!"

Two women in Dublin see two drunk men coming down the street.

The first woman says, "Will you look at those two drunks?"

The other woman says, "Well, at least your feller has brought you some flowers."

And the first woman says, "You know what that means? I'll be on my back with my legs in the air all week."

And the other woman asks, "Why, have you not got a vase?"

4 beer company CEO's walk into a bar.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness.

He replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer, then it would be rude for me to!"

I went to a meeting of Kleptomaniacs Anonymous the other day. All the seats were taken.

I've heard it's rude to interrupt someone when they're talking, so...
I haven't spoken to my wife in 20 years!

After dinner, two elderly women retire to the kitchen and leave their husbands to chat.

One of the men says, "Last night we went out to a great new restaurant."

The other asks, "What's it called?"

The first man knits his brow in concentration and finally says, "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies, "A carnation?"

"No, no. The other one," the first man says.

"The poppy?" wonders his friend.

"No," growls the man. "You know, the one with prickles!"

"Do you mean a rose?" asks the other man.

"Yes, that's it!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"