Funny Jokes (Over 18's only)

One day a biker dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.

Satan: Why so glum?

Biker : Why do you think? I'm in Hell!

Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

Biker : Sure, I love to drink.

Satan: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Bombay Sapphire, tequila, Guinness, red wine, single-malt scotch. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.

Biker : Gee that sounds great!

Satan: You a smoker?

Biker : You better believe it.

Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?

Biker : Wow that's awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.

Biker : Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Satan: Good, because Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.

Biker : Cool!

Satan: What about Drugs?

Biker : Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean?...

Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead, so who cares?

Biker : Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Satan: You gay?

Biker : No!!!

Satan: Ooooh, you are gonna hate Fridays!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

Johnny sits at the bar, staring at his drink, when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman, and then my dog bit me. So, I come to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve, and then you show up and drink the whole thing!

"But enough about me, how's your day going?”

Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

I saw a lady crying outside of a store because she had lost $200, so I gave her $10 from the $200 I found a while ago.

If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?

Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

I hope you're paying Tim Vine his royalties!

Two hunters chartered a small plane to take them into the wilderness for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag six moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the small plane could carry only four.

The two hunters objected. “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all, and he had the same kind of plane as yours.”

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while they were attempting to cross the mountains, the little plane gave out under the heavy load and went down. Somehow both hunters survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, one asked the other, “Any idea where we are?”

The other replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year!”

It was raining hard, and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

“Fishing,” replied the old man.

“Poor old chap,” thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked, “And how many have you caught today?”

“You’re the eighth.”

He is brill!

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons’ innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry. That was an insect.”

To which one of the boys replies, “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like that.”

Haahhaahha, fucking brilliant!

I was speaking to my friend the other day about the fact he leaves his garage full of stuff completely open all the time and if he was worried about anything getting stolen.

I said to him, "You either have a massive pair of bollocks, or nothing worth stealing"

He ranted about how safe his neighbourhood is and what not, anyway, in other news, I got a desk, some tins of paint and a pinball machine all for free today