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Post by waywardgenius on May 11, 2021 9:59:37 GMT
The minister meets with three married couples who want to join the Baptist Church. The first couple are retirees from Florida, the second couple are in their early 40s, and the last couple are newlyweds, having been married only 3 weeks. "We have developed a small test for those who want to join, I'm afraid. You must go without having sex for 2 weeks ... and if you succeed, then we will welcome you with open arms."
The three couples shake the minister's hand and leave, determined to meet this test.
Two weeks later, the three couples return and meet with the minister in his office. "Did you succeed in your test?" he asks the first couple.
"Yes sir, we did. We have not had sex in 2 weeks." The older husband and wife beamed at the minister, and he shook their hands and welcomed them to the church.
Moving to the second couple, he asks the same question.
The middle-aged couple look at each other, and say "Yes sir ... we struggled a bit with it, but we have managed not to have sex for 2 weeks as you requested."
The minister smiled, shook their hands, and welcomed them to the church.
Then he approached the newlywed couple, both in their early 20s. "My friends, did you pass the test?"
The couple, shame-faced, look at each other before the husband answers, "I'm afraid not, pastor. We did really well the first 3 days, but on the fourth day my wife bent over to pick up a can of corn, and I just happened to be behind her, and before I knew it we were having sex right there and then. I'm very sorry," he said, hanging his head.
Frowning, the minister said, "I understand, but I'm afraid you won't be able to join our church."
The man replies, "That's okay, pastor - we're not allowed back to the grocery store either."
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Steve
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Post by Steve on May 11, 2021 17:08:26 GMT
A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office.
“The doctor walks in: ‘Sir, I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.’
Patient: ‘I don’t understand, doc. Why?’
Doctor: ‘Because I’m trying to examine you.
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Post by waywardgenius on May 13, 2021 10:05:37 GMT
This guy is out in the country, and he sees a farmer with a three-legged pig. He asks the farmer what happened.
"Well, once there was a huge lightning storm. A bolt struck the house, which caught on fire. The pig goes down to the lake, gets water, puts out the fire, and saves us all," explains the farmer.
"Wow! So that's how he lost his leg?"
"No, sir. One morning a pack of grizzlies smelled some bacon my wife left out, and started breaking through our windows. The pig scared them off and saved us all from certain death!"
"Ah, so that's how he lost his leg?"
"Nope," says the farmer. "But a pig that good? You can't eat him all at once."
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Post by waywardgenius on May 13, 2021 10:07:05 GMT
I took the wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he had - breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
My wife turned to me and said "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down".
I said, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!"
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Post by waywardgenius on May 13, 2021 10:09:11 GMT
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 Parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I'm Zinedine Zidane, the world's number 1 footballer. FIFA needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am the most ambitious woman in the world. I am also a New York Senator and a potential future President." She just took the 2nd parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, Robert Mugabe, said, "I'm President of Zimbabwe and I have 13 million helpless people who always look to me for guidance. Above all I'm the cleverest president in African history, and Africa's people won't let me die". So he put on a pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, Nelson Mandela, says to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old Chinese school boy, "I'm old and have lived a fruitful life, God will decide my fate, so I'll let you have the last parachute".
The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. Africa's cleverest President has taken my schoolbag".
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Steve
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Post by Steve on May 13, 2021 17:08:32 GMT
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 Parachutes. The first passenger said, "I'm Zinedine Zidane, the world's number 1 footballer. FIFA needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am the most ambitious woman in the world. I am also a NewYork Senator and a potential future President." She just took the 2nd parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, Robert Mugabe, said, "I'm President of Zimbabwe and I have 13 million helpless people who always look to me for guidance. Above all I'm the cleverest president in African history, and Africa's people won't let me die". So he put on a pack next to him and jumped out of the plane. The fourth passenger, Nelson Mandela, says to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old Chinese school boy, "I'm old and have lived a fruitful life, God will decide my fate, so I'll let you have the last parachute". The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. Africa's cleverest President has taken my schoolbag". 🤣🤣🤣 |
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Steve
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Post by Steve on May 13, 2021 17:10:50 GMT
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.
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Steve
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Post by Steve on May 13, 2021 17:11:29 GMT
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?' I said ‘No, six should be enough.'
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Steve
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Post by Steve on May 13, 2021 17:12:40 GMT
Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.
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Post by waywardgenius on May 13, 2021 17:18:54 GMT
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. LOL Quality, mate. |
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Post by waywardgenius on May 13, 2021 17:22:11 GMT
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?' I said ‘No, six should be enough.' Another Les Dawson gem: "For years my mother-in-law has been coming to our house for Christmas, but this year we're going to do something different. We're going to let her in the house." |
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Steve
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Post by Steve on May 13, 2021 17:24:19 GMT
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. LOL Quality, mate. That did make me chuckle! |
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Steve
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Post by Steve on May 13, 2021 17:26:04 GMT
Did you hear about the man who threw his mother-in-law into the lion’s cage of a zoo? He’s being sued by the RSPCA for animal cruelty.
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Steve
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Post by Steve on May 13, 2021 17:27:10 GMT
I never forget a face. But with my MIL, I’m willing to make an exception.
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Steve
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Post by Steve on May 13, 2021 17:28:00 GMT
My mother-in-law and I were happy for 20 years…Then we met each other.
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Steve
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Post by Steve on May 13, 2021 17:28:47 GMT
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was surprised, I never knew those things worked!
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Lord Fickle
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Post by Lord Fickle on May 15, 2021 19:20:42 GMT
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Steve
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Post by Steve on May 15, 2021 21:47:58 GMT
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Post by waywardgenius on May 16, 2021 10:57:22 GMT
A little boy and his dad were walking down the street when they saw two dogs having sex.
The little boy asked his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father says, "Making a puppy." So they walk on and go home.
A few days later the little boy walks in on his parents having sex.
The little boy says, "Daddy, what are you doing?"
The father replies, Making a baby."
The little boy says, "Well, flip her over! I'd rather have a puppy!"
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Post by waywardgenius on May 16, 2021 13:06:55 GMT
Back in the days of steam trains, a young signalman was working on a branch line in the Scottish Highlands. He disliked working on such an out-of-the way location, so he wrote to head office requesting a promotion and a move to a main-line post. The Head of Personnel decided to send an inspector to assess the signalman's work to see if he was suitably proficient at his duties to merit his request being granted.
At the signal box, the inspector said to the signalman, "Two trains are on the same line, one heading south and the other heading north. They will collide head-on unless you can prevent it. What do you do?"
The signalman said, "I'd pull the lever to activate the STOP signal."
The inspector said, "Unfortunately the STOP-signal lever is jammed. What do you do then?"
The signalman said, "I'd run down to the track, sprint to the trackside lever array, and pull the lever to activate the STOP signal."
The inspector said, "Unfortunately the trackside lever array has been hit by lightning, and all the levers are buckled and twisted. What do you do then?"
The signalman said, "I'd rush back to the signal box, and I'd pull the master emergency lever to activate every STOP signal on the entire line."
The inspector said, "Unfortunately the lightning has also struck the signal box, and it's now engulfed in flames. What do you do then?"
The signalman said, "I'd run 300 yards down the line to my Uncle Charlie's cottage."
The inspector was puzzled by this. "Why would you run to your Uncle Charlie's cottage?" he asked.
The signalman replied, "Because my Uncle Charlie has never seen a train crash."
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Post by waywardgenius on May 18, 2021 23:59:45 GMT
A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.
He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behaviour.
"I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife."
"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."
"Well, what about anal sex?"
"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhoea."
"There is always oral sex."
"Nope, she has pyorrhea."
"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhoea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?"
"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"
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Steve
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Post by Steve on May 19, 2021 17:21:38 GMT
An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's mohawk is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings. When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says, "What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?" The old guy says in reply "Yeah. One time I screwed a peacock. I thought maybe you were my kid."
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Post by waywardgenius on May 22, 2021 13:30:21 GMT
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains became too much and he could go no farther. So he stuck his thumb out, and after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike, and told the man that if he was going too fast to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radio'd ahead to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.
He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's a guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass."
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Post by waywardgenius on May 22, 2021 13:32:38 GMT
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat, and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.
He kept taking the cat further and further, but the cat would always beat him home.
One day he decided to drive hundreds of miles away. He drove out of town, through the desert and into the next state until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home. He let the cat out and headed back.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
"Put him on the phone," the man replies. "I'm lost and need directions."
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Post by waywardgenius on May 22, 2021 13:47:14 GMT
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge, only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic, patronising smirk, and asked, "What's your hurry?"
She replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah?" said the cop. "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A-a what...?"
"A rectum stretcher!"
"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four. Then with my whole hand in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, then I slowly but surely stretch it until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6-foot asshole?!" the cop asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge"
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Steve
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Post by Steve on May 23, 2021 8:09:04 GMT
A husband says to his wife, "Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?"
She replies, "I don’t like calling you when you’re at work."
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Steve
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Post by Steve on May 23, 2021 8:12:15 GMT
Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," the judge said. Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane; I said that she's fucking Goofy!"
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Steve
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Post by Steve on May 23, 2021 8:13:09 GMT
Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.
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Steve
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Post by Steve on May 27, 2021 19:45:35 GMT
My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her.
Instead I just swam for the surface.
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Steve
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Post by Steve on May 27, 2021 19:47:14 GMT
A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. Dad, what music did you like growing up?
I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin, the father replies.
Who? the son asks.
Yeah, the dad responds, I liked them too.
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