Funny Jokes (Over 18's only)

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “He can’t swim.”

Have you heard of the band 923 Megabytes?

Probably not, they haven't had a gig yet.

A man was driving down the road with his monkey in the back of his van. He sees a hitchhiker and picks him up. They were going down the road talking, when the monkey came flying up front and unzipped the drivers pants and goes to town on him. The man slaps the monkey and makes him go to the back of the van. A few minutes later the same thing happens. The hitchhiker said "Man that is amazing I have never seen anything like that" The driver says " Do you want to try it?" The hitchhiker said "Yes, But don't hit me that hard!"

There once was a man from Nantucket,

Whose dick was so long he could suck it,

He said with a grin,

As he wiped off his chin,

"If my ear were a cůnt, I could fuck it!"

There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his arse like a dahlia.
Tuppence a smell
Was all very well,
But thruppence a lick was a failure.

There was an old man from Chile
Whose conduct was painful and silly.
He sat on the stairs,
Eating apples and pears,
While shooting the pips from his willy.

A fellow walked into a GP's surgery, and the receptionist asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, and National Insurance number, and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, and his medical history, and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes, and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?

He heard the snow blower coming.

Can a hamburger marry a hot dog? Only if they have a very frank relationship!

The new manager of our struggling football team is strict and won’t stand any nonsense. Last Saturday, he caught two fans climbing over the stadium wall and was angry with them. He grabbed them and said: “Get back in there and watch the game until it finishes!”

A man arrives at the gates of Heaven, where St. Peter greets him and says: "Before I can let you enter, I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good."

The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St. Peter that he hasn't done anything particularly good in his life.

"Well," says St. Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your life?"

"Yes, I have," replies the man proudly.

St. Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.

So the man explains: "I was refereeing this important match between Liverpool and Manchester United at Anfield. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play to go in the second half when I awarded a penalty against Liverpool at the Kop end."

"Yes," responded St. Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you tell me when this took place?"

"Certainly," the man replied. "About three minutes ago."

A general was visiting a field hospital to try and boost morale. He approached a recuperating soldier and said, "And what is wrong with you, soldier?"

The soldier replied, "I have gonorrhea, sir."

"I see," said the general. "And what is the treatment for your condition?"

"I have to scrub my genitals three times a day with a medicated stiff-bristle brush, sir."

"And what is your greatest wish, soldier?" asked the general.

"To get back to full health and get back into the field, sir."

"Excellent! Carry on."

The general moved on to the next bed. "And what is wrong with you, soldier?" he inquired.

"I have dysentery, sir."

"Not so good," said the general. "And what is the treatment for your condition?"

"I have to scrub my arse three times a day with a medicated stiff-bristle brush, sir."

"And what is your greatest wish, soldier?" asked the general.

"To get back to full health and get back into the field, sir."

"Splendid! Carry on."

The general moved on to the last bed. "And what is wrong with you, soldier?" he inquired.

"I have laryngitis, sir," croaked the soldier.

"Oh dear," said the general. "And what is the treatment for your condition?"

"I have to scrub my throat three times a day with a medicated stiff-bristle brush, sir."

"And what is your greatest wish, soldier?" asked the general.

"To one day get the brush before those two, sir."

What's green and hurts when it hits you in the eye?

A snooker table.

Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.