Funny Jokes (Over 18's only)

Queen were on their very first tour and there was a mishap in booking hotel rooms.
They were meant to book two rooms with two beds each - instead they ended up with a single room with one bed. They were considering drawing straws to determine who would sleep on the floor, but miraculously, Freddie Mercury, Brian May, John Deacon and Roger Taylor all managed to fit comfortably on the same bed. Freddie pulled up the covers and looked at the mattress label: Sure enough, it was queen-size.

Lol, I posted this back in December!

How did Stevie Wonder meet his wife?

It was a blind date!!

What does Stevie Wonder's wife do after an argument?

Re-arranges the furniture!

Oh my, Alzheimer's makes me look stupid again! LOL

On the day after his first Masters victory, Tiger Woods tried to enter this very exclusive golf club. He was stopped at the gate by a security guard who said, “I am sorry, sir, but this club does not allow black people to enter. However, if you would still like to play, there is an excellent public course about a 3 wood down this road.”

Tiger responds, “But I am Tiger Woods!”

The guard replies, “I am terribly sorry. I did not recognize you. In that case the other course is an easy 5 iron down the road.”

no worries mate, its easily done.

Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather go out to play a round of golf. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them. The guys say sure, since she is quite a beautiful woman. The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game". The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle. She just starts pounding these guys, paring every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy a blow job he will never forget. " The guys think, 'what a deal!' The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup." The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup." The grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over picking up the ball, drops it into the cup, unzips his fly and says "That's a gimmie!!!

Love this thread!

What do you do after a round of 18 on a hot sunny day?

Wash your balls.

Blackadder: I seek information about a Wisewoman.

Young Crone: Ah, the Wisewoman... the Wisewoman.

Blackadder: Yes, the Wisewoman.

Young Crone: Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is... a woman. And second, she is...

Blackadder: Wise?

Young Crone: You do know her then?

Blackadder: No, just a wild stab in the dark which is, incidentally, what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful.

A man is angry because he has it in his head that someone stole his wallet. He walks into a church to steal someone else's wallet, but he has a change of heart during the service. He confesses to the priest afterwards about what his intentions had initially been. The priest asks, "What made you change your mind?" The man says, "In your sermon on the Ten Commandments when you got to 'Thou shall not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my wallet!"

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?"

The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."

A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?"

The preacher replied again, "No, God will save me."

Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.

The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard, swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.

Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"